There has been so much hope in my heart but also a deep feeling of dread that I did not want to admit. I have had this feeling before, like when I was signing my consent forms for my misdiagnosed appendicitis with the possible outcomes of what would happen in surgery, I knew at that point they would have to take out 20% of my colon. That nagging feeling of dread has been living in the back of my brain during this recovery. Maybe it has been the slowness of healing, the bone weary tiredness, the truth that so much Endo had grown back in a year and a half. I have been pushing positivity to the forefront, doing my guided meditation and deep breathing, being very thoughtful in what is going into my body from food to supplements to pain medication. It could also be that my period cramps started Sunday and now it is Wednesday, and no period yet. Just a consistent cramping reminding me that my womanly parts are in control, not me.
My Post-Op was yesterday afternoon and due to Covid, my husband had to sit outside the door of my doctor’s office. He insisted on driving me, which I didn’t think was necessary since he could not even come in, but I think deep down he had a feeling as well that the news wouldn’t be great. So into my doctor’s office I went by myself, my bravest smile on underneath my mask.
I love my doctor. She is compassionate, understanding, talks to me until I want to stop talking and not rushing off to another patient. She is honest and has had thorough conversations with me in regards to what my options would be. At 35 years old, she did not want to take my uterus out yet. This was my first surgery with her so we both agreed to a plan of having her clean up my Endo and then we would reassess and reevaluate. And yesterday she laid it out for me, plain and simple, evoking stinging tears that I fought back in her office.
So, if children are still an option for you, this is the time and I would say you have about 6 months. With the reality of your Endo growth and lack of ability to use birth control, I would recommend next step to remove your uterus, fallopian tubes, but leave your ovaries. We can try the Mirena IUD and see if that gives you some relief, but you will just be back in this office every year doing clean up surgeries. I wish I had better news for you.
Instinctively, I felt an attack on my womanhood, on my inability to conceive, feeling less than as I always do when I think about my empty womb. There are so many times I am at peace with the decision we had made to stop fertility treatment, since it reeked havoc on me physically and emotionally, was not successful and so very expensive, and we also do not even know if my angry uterus would be a welcoming home to a baby if we did IVF. My husband’s incredible kids are now 13 and 10 so we would have 8 years until both kids are in college, and then we would have the ability to travel and spend our time together. We have also talked about adoption, something my husband has always had the desire to do. But then that yearning comes back, the yearning to be able to carry a baby, the yearning to have a child I could look into his or her eyes and know it is half me and half my husband, the yearning to be someone’s mother. My higher self knows that someone does not have to come out of me to be a part of me, for me to make an impact in their lives, but it is a biological desire that is hard to ignore.
The finality of the situation, though a reality I was completely aware of, knocked the wind out of me. I walked out of my doctor’s office and straight into my husband’s arms, sobbing as quietly as I could since we were right outside the office door. This is why I wanted to come, he whispered into my hair, holding me as tightly as he could. He knew I would need him, his comfort and support, he believes that he is the other half to my Endometriosis journey. How lucky am I to have him?
So now I have a decision to make. Do I call the recommended fertility doctor’s just for a consultation? Do I try the Mirena IUD before taking out my uterus? The weight of these decisions rests heavily on me, decisions that cannot be pushed off. Another thing I am thankful for? My therapy appointment tomorrow, to have someone I can talk through these decisions with who has no skin in the game besides helping me work through them.
For now, I am going to cry today. I am going to grieve today. And I am going to beg my uterus to just get my damn period started already!