I have been feeling… a little bit disconnected the past few days. Disconnected from my family, from my feelings, from the fact I am going back to work in a few days. I have been reading a tremendous amount and trying to spend time with my family, though I just feel like I am there, not in the moment. And then today hit me like a ton of bricks- my first period since surgery. Which makes the disconnection, the emotional roller coaster, fit together like perfect, disturbing puzzle pieces.
Dark blood. Clots. Pain. The first period after your surgery is usually a rough one, but this one has left me in knots, twisted and confused as to why I even had surgery. This is my life with Endo, intense pain at least once a month which brings me to my knees. This is why my doctor is now recommending a hysterectomy. She saw my insides, saw how overgrown the Endo was in such a short time period, and sees no other option for me. How is there no other option for me?
I am now drinking my Chinese medicinal teas 3x a day (which do not taste great!), having intense and amazing acupuncture once a week (seriously the best!), and have refrained from caffeine, meat, dairy, gluten, and alcohol since my surgery (I am hungry a lot!). I am down ten pounds since surgery and trying my best to deep breathe and listen to Headspace a few times a day. My next period better be incredibly better or I am going to lose my mind. Lifestyle changes should help, right? Right!
The truth is, the stress of all of our lives in a Pandemic is nothing we have experienced before and I hope we never experience again. We had to cancel on Thanksgiving due to me having a slight cough and not feeling the best, and I was a total mess, crying all day. I miss my parents, my siblings, my nephews and niece, the experiences we have all together, my kids creating memories with their cousins. I made my husband go with me to get Covid tested on Thanksgiving, which of course was negative because I was having a normal, allergy reaction to this dry weather. But we can’t be too cautious right now. It is overwhelming, the what ifs we get it, the what ifs we give it to other people, the sadness and destruction Covid is causing to so many families. I keep reminding myself I need to step back, give myself a break, because we are all stressed out to the max during this time. And it is just getting worse. Now California will probably go on another lockdown for a few weeks, though less restrictive than the March lockdown. How do I limit my stress when every day this Covid shadow looms?
Having an inflammatory disease is a challenge because inflammation surrounds us daily. From the food we eat to the air we breathe to the thoughts we think, our bodies are ready to be inflamed. I know I cannot beat Endometriosis, but I hope I can at least put up a good fight. 3 surgeries in 4 years and over $28,000 later, Endometriosis is currently winning. But I need to stay strong, I will stay strong, for all the people who count on me, for all my Endosisters, for ME.
Stay healthy out there!