It has been so many days since I have written. Days that I have just tried to be strong and push through. Days that have been filled with trying to bring cheer to my family and my work team which is so hard to do with the pandemic. Days where I put everyone else first and me last, because that is where I am comfortable.
I cancelled my acupuncture appointment, the one thing I do for me. I have gone in early to work and stayed late, bringing individually wrapped treats and cheer. I pushed all my energy into forced smiles and happiness in order for Christmas to be a good day. At this moment, I have almost forgotten the heart break of a few weeks ago, the heart break of years of trying to conceive, the heart break of all the pain I have endured over the years. Pain with no resolution, no cure, which is what feels so heavy on my heart.
I had another period again, 8 days earlier than it should have been, and though the pain was not crippling, I had to ensure I didn’t miss my dose of advil or the tears would sting my eyes. I have had random bleeding since that period, random cramps on and off, my uterus waving the middle finger and laughing hysterically at me. This is what Endo is- a black hole of pain and limited treatment options. Invisible pain, pain we feel ashamed about because it isn’t life threatening.
I have been pretty stringent with my no gluten, dairy, meat, caffeine lifestyle changes, even with the holidays. But I have had alcohol on a few nights and can feel the effects of it on my body quite quickly. My feet and hands swell and I have a headache that tells me I am desperately dehydrated. I know I need to give up alcohol too, but it is hard when it is the only escape from reality dealing with the infertility, the chronic illness, and a pandemic. But trust me, it is next on my list!
So here we go- into a New Year filled with promise as this year has been so hard for us all. Looking forward to hugging my family again, to seeing smiles, and having family and friends healthy. A new year filled with renewed positivity, especially from me. A little more time I will need to grieve and wallow. Happy New Year to all! Stay healthy and safe!