Has the storm passed?

It has been months since I have written. Months of living in what feels like a fog of sadness, grief and pain and despair so thick I cannot breathe at times. I was faking it for awhile, forced smiles and laughter and pushing my body to the brink every day. I can be strong! I will get through this! Stay positive! Well, positivity can kiss my ass my right now.

It has been 4 months post surgery. 4 months of trying to eat better, limiting my alcohol and sugar, doing therapy, and trying with all of my might to slow the Endo growth. Well, guess what folks? It’s baaaaaaaaaack.

A few weeks ago, I felt pain on my right side. The nagging pain of my cyst, the stretching and growing feeling that nasty Endometrioma gives me. Coupled with a remarkably painful period in February, I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for an ultrasound. My brain spun and spun- this is all in your head! It can’t be back so soon! You have been doing things differently this time around!

But have I been doing things differently? Have I been treating my body differently? I am working over 50 hours a week in a high pressure, high stress job. I have been trying to be a superwoman on my days off with cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, taking care of the kids. I have not been living by what I promised myself after my last surgery. I am not giving myself breaks, allowing myself to slow down. I don’t know how. Who am I if I do not push myself to be the best I can be, to provide the best results I can professionally and personally? Right now I just keep asking myself- who am I? I feel lost, which is partly why I haven’t been writing. Whether it’s the stress of Covid, stress of things at home, stress at work, stress with Endo, I just feel lost.

And even more lost now that I am faced with my fourth surgery, this time to take out my right ovary and a hysterectomy. Last week was my 36th birthday and it was a wonderful celebration with a one night getaway with my husband, the first dose of my Covid vaccine, and nice family time. And now, in my 36th year of life, I will be saying goodbye to my uterus and any potential of carrying a child.

When I sat in that chair during my last ultrasound, a dread was creeping in. If nothing was there, maybe I was imagining my pain. If something was there, was it a record for Endo growth? The same tech who had done my past few ultrasounds couldn’t believe I was back for another. And confirmed my nightmare, my reality.

So I need to take some time. For me, for my feelings, for acceptance of my future. I need to remember the things that make me happy and do them. Writing is one of those things. Here is to continuing to share my story. I am sure many Endosisters are out there, feeling as isolated, as misunderstood, as unhappy as I am. You are not alone.

Sending Endolove,

Molly

Published by Molly Dale

I am the lucky step-mom to two amazing kids, a fur-mom to two beautiful pups, a wife to my wonderful husband. I live in Southern California, have a BA in Writing and Literature though have remained in retail since college. I have Stage 4 Endometriosis and am doing my best to share with as many who will listen about this terrible disease which inflicts so many women. I love spending any free time reading, watching movies with my family, spending time with my sisters, brother, parents, nephews, nieces ( I have a big family!), and going on walks. I am new to blogging and am excited to explore, share, and support in this space.

3 thoughts on “Has the storm passed?

  1. Molly I send you a virtual hug, love and well wishes 💛
    I have read your blog from the start which is a beautifully, truthful memoir of living with endometriosis. You should be so proud of yourself; your strength, determination and ability to cope. You are so amazing to have returned to work so quickly and my only concern is that you are still healing and need to really take things slower. After ten years I have taken two weeks off to reassess my life and the over commitment is gone. I stopped volunteering and my second role at work to focus on my health. It’s not easy. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me feel less alone in my own struggle.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and reading my story. Thank you for sharing yours with me. I head into another surgery tomorrow and hoping it will be one of my last ❤ sending lots of love to you!

      Liked by 1 person

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