Normalcy… Never

I’ve lived these past few months as if I didn’t have Endo. I started drinking caffeine again and eating meat (really, to try lose some of this hysterectomy weight gain!), and was pain free for the first time in what feels like forever. I stayed up late, I started going to the gym, we went on a trip (planes and all!), and life felt less complicated, almost normal. No periods, no 3am wake-ups in hysterical tears. My emotions had even calmed down, regulated by the $600 hormonal pellets I had injected into my butt cheek. And then…

Cramping. Two weeks now of on and off again cramps. Two weeks of low back pain, of twinges I hadn’t felt in months and had seemed to be a distant memory. Two weeks of stress, of a deep anger that keeps rising up at the most inopportune times. What did I sacrifice, what did I give up, in hopes of a solution? I knew going into my hysterectomy that it was not a cure, but I was so hopeful I would have more time of this easy life, that I had a shot for normalcy for just a little longer. I gave up so much, the idea of fertility and my uterus, to be pain free. Such a fairy tale, such a fantasy with Stage 4 Endo.

To keep my sanity, I have to look at the bright side. This pain is NOTHING like the pain I had before, when I had a uterus, and when I had periods. This is a dull, aching reminder of the fact that Endo is still in me, but not a crippling, bring you to your knees pain. What a positive, right? Truly! I just had so much hope inside of me, so much hope for a normal life, just for a little longer.

So here I am, at a crossroads again, needing to step back and re-evaluate what my next moves are. Endo is so relentless, Endo is so unforgiving. But I am not giving up, I will put one foot in front of the other, and will muster all of my strength to not let Endo win.

Sending Endolove,

Molly

Published by Molly Dale

I am the lucky step-mom to two amazing kids, a fur-mom to two beautiful pups, a wife to my wonderful husband. I live in Southern California, have a BA in Writing and Literature though have remained in retail since college. I have Stage 4 Endometriosis and am doing my best to share with as many who will listen about this terrible disease which inflicts so many women. I love spending any free time reading, watching movies with my family, spending time with my sisters, brother, parents, nephews, nieces ( I have a big family!), and going on walks. I am new to blogging and am excited to explore, share, and support in this space.

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