I’ve lived these past few months as if I didn’t have Endo. I started drinking caffeine again and eating meat (really, to try lose some of this hysterectomy weight gain!), and was pain free for the first time in what feels like forever. I stayed up late, I started going to the gym, we went on a trip (planes and all!), and life felt less complicated, almost normal. No periods, no 3am wake-ups in hysterical tears. My emotions had even calmed down, regulated by the $600 hormonal pellets I had injected into my butt cheek. And then…
Cramping. Two weeks now of on and off again cramps. Two weeks of low back pain, of twinges I hadn’t felt in months and had seemed to be a distant memory. Two weeks of stress, of a deep anger that keeps rising up at the most inopportune times. What did I sacrifice, what did I give up, in hopes of a solution? I knew going into my hysterectomy that it was not a cure, but I was so hopeful I would have more time of this easy life, that I had a shot for normalcy for just a little longer. I gave up so much, the idea of fertility and my uterus, to be pain free. Such a fairy tale, such a fantasy with Stage 4 Endo.
To keep my sanity, I have to look at the bright side. This pain is NOTHING like the pain I had before, when I had a uterus, and when I had periods. This is a dull, aching reminder of the fact that Endo is still in me, but not a crippling, bring you to your knees pain. What a positive, right? Truly! I just had so much hope inside of me, so much hope for a normal life, just for a little longer.
So here I am, at a crossroads again, needing to step back and re-evaluate what my next moves are. Endo is so relentless, Endo is so unforgiving. But I am not giving up, I will put one foot in front of the other, and will muster all of my strength to not let Endo win.